Monday, January 21, 2013

Today was fine. Then it wasn't.

You know, I'm pretty good at a lot of beauty related things. I find that I'm actually quite talented with makeup (I haven't perfected the art of "costume" makeup yet, but still), I can style my hair fairly nicely, and I dye it at home all the time, by myself. However. Highlights...are an entirely different story. And today, for me, it wasn't merely highlights, it was going back over the highlights I did last week. My hair is so dark they came out a little golden and orange in some parts so I had to go back over them.

Here's how to ruin a perfectly good, normal day, if you're in the mood to do so:

1. Make the decision to highlight (or touch up existing highlights) your OWN hair - all by yourself.

2. Get all your necessary tools together (foils, clips, tinting brush, bleach, developer, etc., etc.) and mix your bleach or your hair color and all that.

3. Make sure to wear gloves. Otherwise when the smallest glob of bleach mixture falls onto your hand, it will feel like it's being pricked by about a thousand needles all at once in that one spot. Trust me on this one. Now then. If you're merely highlighting your hair, skip step 4. If you're re-doing or fixing existing highlights (like me), proceed to step 4.

4. Spend 30 fucking minutes or more trying to find and separate out all of your existing highlights. OBVIOUSLY when you first did them the week prior you weren't counting on having to go over them a second time and you probably decided to put them in obscure locations and you can't seem to figure out which way you had your hair parted when you did them. Am I right?!?!?! UGH.

5. Hold your section of hair to be highlighted in one hand and your foil in the other and hold your foil against your head AND PROCEED TO COMPLETELY SCREW YOURSELF OVER. Seriously, from what I've heard, you get better at it with practice, much like most other things (hence my theory about parenting abilities improving with each child - practice makes perfect, so my first born is screwed), but I don't know how people can STAND to do this on themselves often enough to become good at it. I'm sure it's so much easier foiling on other people than it is on yourself. But I am pretty sure I will never do it again. My foils kept sliding, making bleach touch parts of my hair that I didn't want it to. Halfway through my "waiting around in misery until I can finally wash this smelly garbage out of my hair" time, my foils do I put this...EXPLODING?! Leaking bleach out everywhere, dripping down my freaking neck, and once again MAKING BLEACH TOUCH MORE PARTS OF MY HAIR THAT I DIDN'T WANT IT TO.

6. Continue selecting chunks to highlight or however you want to do it and continue screwing yourself, and your hair, over completely. See step 5 if you need additional instructions or reminders.

7. Wait around in misery until you can finally wash that smelly garbage out of your hair.

8. Take the foils out and rinse the bleach from your hair. Rinse really well, or you will regret it. Then shampoo your hair with a mild shampoo (I like that Mane n Tail stuff for things like this). If you're worried about brassiness, you can also try the Clairol stuff that I cannot think of the damn name of and am too lazy to walk the five feet to my shower to look at it - it's in a purple bottle and the shampoo itself is purple. It's good for non-natural-blonde hair.

9. Condition the CRAP out of your hair, even though you and I both know that you can condition all you want, that bleach killed your fucking hair and it's gonna feel like crap. The conditioning will just help it feel less like crap, temporarily. And it will also make it smell good.

10. Towel dry your hair and check yourself out in the mirror. Now note what time it is and realize that you've wasted FOUR HOURS OF YOUR DAMN DAY doing this shit, and then realize that's probably why your husband kept giving you dirty looks every time he walked by and saw you still standing there declaring mutiny on yourself and your hair. HE saw it as declaring mutiny on him because the baby decided to be a pain in the ass for him the whole time you were busy with your hair. He has no clue what trauma you've just been through; you may need to kick him in the shin.

11. Do your highlights look nice? If the answer is yes, proceed to steps 12-13.
If the answer is no, congratulations, you've done exactly what I did a week ago, and you wasted all that time and energy, and all those awesome new curse words you came up with during the process that no one was around to hear. Guess what, you'll get to repeat all these amazing steps again when your hair is done crying and trying to mend itself! THEN you'll get to do steps 12-13!

12. You can now, for the first time in FOUR MOTHER-F*ING HOURS, smile and be proud of your work. However, now would be a good time to text all your girl friends the same message: "Remind me to never highlight my own effing hair again."

13. Go seek compliments from your husband about your amazing new highlights. If he doesn't notice, doesn't compliment them, or doesn't like them, then mix up some more bleach later that night and bleach his hair in his sleep. This will be even more awesome if your husband, like mine, has extremely dark hair, for two reasons: one, it would probably be orangey or at least golden, and two, his thick dark eyebrows won't match at all and he will look ridiculous.

Fortunately, my husband liked my highlights very much and made sure to tell me so. So his head of soft, lovely, dark brown (with some grays...heh) is safe. For now.

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